Mis à jour : 14 sept. 2020
Marriage is a sacred union between two beings, a way of professing your love to one another, your Lifetime Commitment and your Loyalty. Marriage is an eternal learning process, a daily gift of oneself. It is so delightful to share one's life with one's loved one but it can become a torture when there is constant tension in the couple. Marriage can become a golden cage when the presence of the other is unbearable for us. To avoid that such an enriching and beautiful experience, becomes the biggest regret of your life, I present you the 10 keys to succeed in this challenge that is marriage.
I. THE COMMITMENT
Indeed, marriage is above all a commitment that must be taken very seriously. Today, many young couples do not measure the value of their commitment to each other, they pronounce the words without understanding their true meaning. They place more importance on the success of the wedding ceremony than on the durability of their commitment. And at the slightest argument, they don't hesitate to raise the Divorce card. All marriages are sacred and must be preserved. It is always easy to give up, but marriage was not designed to be easy. When you say "For Better or Worse," say to yourself that it means, "The Worse" may happen during the first 50 years of your marriage, and you may not see "The Better" until 50 minutes before death do you part.It's crucial to get married for the right reasons, because your commitment will be more natural than if you had been forced into it.
"The magic is not in getting married, but in staying married" ~ Derek Luke
"Think of marriage as a maze, and the only way to win the game is to avoid taking the way out straightaway. "~MrsKiss Kay
II. THE SPIRITUAL AT THE CENTER OF MARRIAGE
Many couples marry religiously because it is essential for them that their union be blessed by God. It is a fact that after the religious celebration they forget to invoke God, Allah, in their daily lives. As if God suddenly had no place in their lives. A union that has been sealed before God is precious, so the presence of God in the marriage must be maintained. You must proclaim words of happiness about your couple, ask the Lord to protect you from the evil eye, and at the slightest storm, you can naturally entrust this to God. If you wish, establish a prayer routine with your spouse, go to places of worship together. If you are much more spiritually engaged than your partner, you can pray for him (her) and your marriage.
A wife's prayer covers her husband and vice versa. Giving a spiritual dimension to your marriage also requires commitment. Do not forget this.
It is true that commitment to one's partner, and to God for religious couples, is important, but all this is worthless without LOVE. We are talking about Love with a capital L. To truly love the other person, not only because of one’s qualities, but to love one’s especially in spite of his faults. To love the other person as he (she) is without necessarily wanting to shape him/her as you please. What leads some couples to divorce is also the shock of divergence. When we realize that on certain points, the other is totally different from us, there are two possibilities: Either we desperately try to change the person or we accept his/her differences and we make it a complementarity or even a Strength. Unconditional Love is one of the great foundations of marriage: It is the gift of oneself and Patience. Because when we sincerely love someone, we naturally give of ourself, of our time, it is a pleasure to rejoice the heart of our beloved, and all this positive energy that we release, reflects on our couple. The couple is even more stronger and more radiant.
"The most beautiful act is that which is done for the good of others without hope of reward." ~Gandhi - Letters to the Ashram (1937).
In the process of demonstrating Unconditional Love,there is also Forgiveness, which is a great proof of Love. When one loves one's spouse, one forgives him or her, thus freeing oneself from all forms of revenge and resentment, which poison the couple.
" Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. " ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
This beautiful definition of Unconditional Love from the Bible gives us all hope that such Love can exist and triumph over anything.
One would think that LOVE alone can lift mountains and overcome anything, turns out, one can love each other madly and still not understand each other. Unfortunately, these permanent misunderstandings can create distance and lead to separation. To prevent that, you have to learn to communicate with your partner. Having good communication in a couple does not mean that you agree on everything or that you have the same vision, but it does mean that you dare tackling sensitive subjects delicately, in order to find common ground. You listen to the other person, You find a way to reach your partner in order to understand the basis of their thinking. You listen carefully, not just to find counter-arguments but to understand their position. Your husband/wife is not your opponent. There is no prize to be won for whoever wins this duel. Drop your weapons, because you are both playing on the same team, so every time you think you score a goal, you score on your own side. And in the end,you both lose.
Love will definitely be stronger with effective and healthy communication.
"It is the quality of verbal and non-verbal communication that will nourish Love, that will amplify dreams and give desires their power and magnitude." ~Jacques-salome
V. THE WOMAN'S SUBMISSION
A submissive woman is a woman who has discovered a treasure. Many women misunderstand the true definition of a submissive woman. A submissive woman is not a yes-woman, a woman who allows herself to be dominated or a foolish woman. A submissive woman is very observant and understanding. She keeps a low profile when necessary, but knows how to make herself heard. She has managed to figure her partner out and knows better than anyone else how to take him by the feelings. A submissive woman masters the "Game".She lets her man be the man and helps him to realize his vision for their household. She gives him his place as head of the family, authority and leader, but in silence she pulls the strings. There are men who will tell you that they love women of character, and end up blaming their women for diminishing them. Don't fall into that trap Ladies! A submissive woman has not lost her power, on the contrary, she has all the cards in her hands, it is up to her to handle them with finesse.
VI. RESPECT FROM THE MAN
To be worthy of a submissive woman, a man must have deep respect for his sweetheart. A man who respects his wife is often mocked, the rumours will say that he is bewitched, silly, or that his wife is wearing the pants. And yet, a true Man is one who respects his wife, who shows her his Love without fear or shame. A woman needs to feel respected, listened to, and considered, that way she can only be receptive to all her husband's desires. For he will have found a way to reassure her. A man who wants to be treated like a King must raise his wife to the rank of Queen.
A couple may be strong, but can be hard hit by the intrusion of people with bad intentions in the couple. For this, it is necessary to be careful who you confide in about your life as a couple. Not everything is good to say, especially to just anyone. Discretion and discernment should prevail. Talking constantly to those close to you about your problems as a couple, sometimes has no added value. Because often the people close to you only know one side of the story, and on top of that, they will have preconceived ideas about your partner. Something that will backfire on you in the future. Many newlyweds often turn to their mums for advice. The mum is THE reference, the one you think you can tell everything to. The fact is that she is still your partner's mother in law. And the trap is to become dependent on your mum's advice to the point where you do exactly what she tells you. At that point, your mother runs your home, no longer you, because you've lost your decision-making power. If friends, siblings, or even a marriage counsellor are your points of reference, it's the same thing. Remember that the decision is yours regardless of the outcome of the problem. You know your spouse better than anyone else, so the solution is in your hands.
VIII. KEEPING THE FLAME ALIVE
Love does not subsist on its own without any effort, just as a rose fades without water. Love renews itself daily, it has to be maintained, and for this it does not necessarily need much, just small details. For many couples, delighting the heart of the other was a priority at the beginning, but with time, with the birth of the children, or routine, this faded away. Maintaining the flame is a bit like dusting off an old piece of furniture and restoring it to its former glory. It is true, that it is sometimes difficult to maintain the flame, when you don't know how to please the other person. It is advisable to learn the language of Love of the other person to avoid frustration and to be on the same wavelength. Let's take the case of a man who gives a lot of gifts to his wife, to compensate for the fact that he is often absent.And yet, instead of all these gifts, his wife would like him to free up some of his time for her. Let's take the case of a woman who makes great recipes for her husband, does the cleaning, the laundry, etc. and thinks that this is enough to show her Love. Yet, her man would like a little more cuddles and creativity in intimacy. Just a few examples, to illustrate the fact that it is necessary to identify what are the desires of the other person, in order to express your love through this channel. In this way, Love will be like an incandescent flame that will never be consumed.
IX. FINANCIAL ASPECT
The financial aspect is often overlooked but is just as important. A balance is needed in the financial management of the household. You should understand early on, what your partner's relationship to money is. Sometimes, a man or woman who had a difficult childhood because their parents had very little money will tend to be less spendthrift, so a couple needs to agree on the expenses necessary for their household. A situation where, for example, the woman is a big spender, while the man is rather thrifty, could be a source of discord. If, instead, it is the woman who makes sacrifices, who deprives herself to invest in the future of her children, and she has a spouse who spends a lot just for his own pleasure, this is also a situation that will be unsustainable in the long term.
It is recommended to choose a matrimonial regime that is in line with the couple's vision, to avoid unpleasant surprises. It is necessary to give oneself the means to make projects together, while also having the freedom to carry out your personal projects.
All this will promote a peaceful atmosphere within the household.
X. THE DIVISION OF HOUSE CHORES
At the time, women had fewer rights and fewer opportunities to work. It was a patriarchal society where the man was the only one who had an income and took care of the family. Today's society has evolved, so it's time to evolve with it. Women have careers and positions of responsibility, therefore need the support of their husbands to carry out their daily tasks. The imbalance of household chores in the couple is very often a source of misunderstanding. Many couples separate because they have not been able to agree on household chores. So many will say, « You don’t get a divorce over a dishwasher and two or three plates that aren't in the right place. » Only, the problem is deeper. When you have to be the only one to manage everything and your partner doesn't lift a finger to help you, this could be the cause of many nervous breakdowns in women, especially when there are small children.
Still in 2020, the mental load is still on the woman, whether she is exhausted or not, she’s the one that has to take care of it. As the couple runs out of steam because the woman has no more energy for her partner, he, feeling abandoned, will look for comfort elsewhere, and this sounds the death knell for some couples. To avoid this and many other situations, the Mental load* must be balanced within the couple, and each couple must define for itself this distribution, the most important thing is to be in harmony with this choice and not suffer.
*Mental load is a term that has recently become popularized to refer to the cognitive, invisible load represented by the organization of everything in the domestic sphere: household chores, appointments, shopping, childcare, etc. The mental load must be balanced within the couple. The mental load falls, in most cases, very largely on women.
One of the last secrets is to have confidence in yourself and the success of your marriage. Knowing that one out of every two marriages in France ends in divorce can seem quite shocking, but it also means that there are about 50% of couples who are still married. The figures of divorce in France or in the whole world, should not panic you. You can be part of this percentage of couples still married and happy.
There are no magic formulas to make your marriage successful, you are the masters of your own destiny, so it is up to you to invest yourself body and soul to make it work. Always Be yourself!
For example, if you are a fighting couple, accept yourself as you are, while making an effort to make things right, but don't try to be a couple that doesn't fight at all overnight. It's important to set achievable goals and move forward at your own pace, without comparing yourself to other couples.
Tell yourself that if it doesn't work the first time, you have your whole life ahead of you to try again!
The most important thing is to never stop loving each other, keep trying over and over, move towards each other, renew your commitment to each other.
"Marriage isn't just about having a bad time, it's also an opportunity to live a beautiful adventure with the one you love." ~MrsKiss Kay