Since the beginning of time, the step mother, which is the wife of a man who has children from a previous union, has always been perceived as the wicked stepmother in the tale of Cinderella: a woman filled with resentment and whose only purpose is to make life unbearable for her stepdaughter.
The step-parent complex is a concept that was inspired to me by The oedipal complex, which is defined as the desire to maintain a loving and voluptuous relationship with the parent of the opposite sex (incest) and to eliminate the parent of the same sex (parricide or matricide) who is considered a rival. The step-parent complex is the desire to distance one's spouse from the children of his (her) previous marriage because they are considered rivals. In a word, one marries the man (woman) but rejects the children. Can one claim to really love one's partner by rejecting a part of him (her)?
The step-parent complex is a plague that has always been rampant in our societies, without any understanding of the behaviour of these women and men who abuse their husbands' children, as if they resented their partner for having had a life before them. There are women who are so sickly jealous, that they wish to erase all traces of previous relationships in the lives of their partners. Then the children remind them of their partner's former love, they can't bear to live with them on a daily basis; especially if there are similarities with their mother, it's a real torment. These women are in real pain because they constantly imagine, that the children are plotting to bring their parents back together. They also imagine that their husbands only have eyes for their children. Their frustrations lead them into a vortex of hatred in which they become prisoners.
The stepfathers are not to be outdone, these men who compete with their wife's children.
Boys tend to play the role of protector to their mothers, giving them all their affection and looking after them. They find it impossible to accept the arrival of a man who would disrupt this relationship with their mother. This man who enters a woman's life must reassure her son and win his trust. But unfortunately,in some cases, it’s the beginning of a power relationship between the new man and the son. Recently, the media reported a terrible tragedy in Belgium, where a man murdered his wife's son. What a sacrilege!
There are also many cases where stepfathers covet their wife's daughter outright.
For this reason, it is imperative for a woman to protect her children first and foremost.
If a man really loves you, he will make an effort to get to know your children and win their heart. It is essential for a mother to pay attention to the people she brings into her life to avoid trauma to the children, who will not even be there to tell the story of their ordeal, in the worst case.
At some point women must ask themselves the right questions and identify the signs. If your spouse punishes your children without no valid reason, only denigrates them, does not tolerate their presence and does everything possible to keep them away, run for your life! A woman with children must allow herself to fall in love and start a new life, but not by putting her children in danger. Because the worst happens quickly!
It is the same for fathers who remarry and are so much in the grip of their new wife, that they close their eyes to the martyrdom their children are undergoing! In principle, a woman who loves you sincerely will in no way torture your offspring. Unfortunately, the heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. However, a father should not remain passive in the face of the psychological and physical violence endured by his children.
This phenomenon of the step-parent complex destroys families, leaves after-effects and lifelong traumas. We often talk about the stepmother who has been stigmatized for a long time in fairy tales etc. but it is important to draw attention to toxic stepfathers as well.
There are several cases. Sometimes the stepmother (stepfather) is only interested in the material goods of her husband (his wife) and doesn't really care to establish a healthy relationship with her(his) stepchildren because she (he) doesn't really love their father (mother).
It also happens that the step mother(step father) loves her husband (his wife) from the bottom of her (his) heart but wishes he (she) had no children. For even if the love is sincere, sometimes children do not make it easy for them either. The children must also understand that their father (mother) has a right to happiness and does not necessarily seek to replace their mother (father). It is up to the father (mother) to commit himself (herself) also to accompany his (her) children and his (her) new wife (new husband) in this process of family balance.
In any case, it is obvious that we do not choose who we fall in love with. All their life, there are women (men) who surely say to themselves "I will never marry a man (woman) with children!" and to their surprise they fall totally in love with a divorced man (woman) with children.
When you are faced with this situation, from the moment you decide to commit yourself to this man (this woman), you have to take the package that goes with it, otherwise it is better to give up from the beginning, to avoid making children who only want to be loved, suffer.
"True Love cannot be conditioned, one loves "in spite of" and not "on condition that". Love is not calculated, otherwise it is no longer Love, it is logic." ~MrsKiss Kay
When you choose to commit yourself to a man (woman) who already has children, it is judicious to prepare yourself mentally for this will not always be a piece of cake.
You must know that the father's (mother's) attention will be shared between his (her) children and you. It would be a shame to use strategies to keep the children apart in order to have a quiet time together. It's normal to feel jealous and want to have your lover's full attention, but remember that your man (woman) also has children who don't deserve to be deprived of their father (mother).
You must know that children will never see you as their real mother (father), so don't waste your energy trying to replace their mother (father) at all costs. Sometimes you will be confused between wanting to be a father (mother) for them and not enjoying the privileges of the real father (mother). You should learn to be patient. The most important thing is to impact their lives positively without expecting anything in return. Above all, stay true to yourself, don't try to prove that you are much better than the real father(mother) just to win their heart. This could have the opposite effect. Children are very perceptive and will see through your little game.
You will have to face the fact that your spouse will always be in contact with his (her) ex-partner. A child is an eternal bond. Some men (women) are so jealous that they forbid their wives (husbands) to keep in touch with the father (mother) of the children. The husband (The wife) finds himself (herself) torn between his wife (her husband) and the mother (father) of his (her) children. Sometimes, women (men) declare war on each other and each side camps on its positions without giving dialogue a chance. It is always better to balance things out, some battles aren’t worth fighting. Trust your husband (wife) by making your conditions as clear as possible. Out of love and respect for you he (she) will limit himself (herself) to the strict minimum in the conversation with his (her) ex so as not to offend you, and the fact that you trust him (her), will prove that you support him (her) by doing what’s best for the child.
Being a stepmother (stepfather) also means facing the accusing gaze of society, which has already made up its mind that you will never carry this child in your heart, so anything you do for his (her) good is bound to be misunderstood. For example, if you reprimand the child in public or in the presence of friends or close family, who know about your family situation, they will think you are yelling at them because you are unable to show affection. On the other hand, if you are the real mother (the real father), it’s only natural. That's kind of the other side of the coin. You are not totally free to raise this child as you wish, you will be called to order and reminded that it is not your role.
The role of a stepmother is difficult because it is already frowned upon by society, many people already have prejudices. However, not all stepmothers are witches. It's high time that society changed the negative perception it has of stepmothers, and that this status be recognized.
For example, on Mother's Day,the teachers can offer children who wish to do so, to make two gifts, one for their biological mother and one for their stepmom. Some women have married men who already have children, and are not lucky enough to have biological children, these little tokens of attention from their stepchildren, are always heart-warming. The same goes for stepfathers.
Society needs to adapt to all the different types of family models that exist.
Stepfamilies are becoming more and more common. They must be given the same means as conventional families.
«Loving your own child is supposed to go without saying. But to love someone else's child is to reach another dimension of Love.» ~MrsKiss Kay
A step parent is endowed with a capacity to love that is beyond all understanding.
It is often said that when you love your husband (your wife) it is this same love that you will project on your stepchildren. As if it were self-evident. And yet, it is not enough to be madly in love with your spouse, to treat their children well.
I would rather say that you should get to know your stepchildren, invest in their education alongside your spouse without expecting anything in return, simply love the children as they are with their strengths and weaknesses. You should love them sincerely, not just because you have no choice or because you want to score points with your spouse.
The more natural the relationship is, the more the children will feel it and give back to you at some point in time.
A stepfamily is not doomed to failure. Everyone must play their part to create a peaceful atmosphere within the family. In this way, the step-parent complex will no longer be a problem in blended families.